The "Good Mother"

Motherhood, often depicted as a period of joy and fulfilment.

Patriarchal societies which we are still a part of, often promote rigid gender roles, wherein women are primarily viewed as caregivers and homemakers, yet many navigate the constant balancing act between professional responsibilities and domestic duties where you have two roles that demand opposite things and that’s the load you get to see.  What you don’t get to see is the invisible load of to do lists, the invisible thinking no-one sees.

Mums carry background worry about their parenting abilities, their children's well-being, and their capacity to fulfil all expected roles around them, not just as a mum and when bedtime comes round, in that busy head could be a list of maybe over 40 things they think about from that day and what’s happening the next, before their nervous system can slow down and you get to sleep, to be up again, because your partner has to go to work and the onus is on you to get up and feed or comfort the baby. They said co-sleeping was dangerous, it was, to the mums….

The pressure to manage these expectations, can be crippling and inside you are screaming and outside, the “ I’m fine “ is given to anyone that asks, because no one wants a visit from Social Services and a mental health evaluation from someone who cannot see the load of the patriarchal systems mums are navigating,  just the symptoms of it and load your nervous system further, should that system deem you- NOT “ a good mum”. I have seen it happen.

This was long before the internet added to this load and made you feel more inadequate for your weight, hair, 7 step skincare routine, self-care routine, the perfect home, garden, play with your children, the groups, the playdates, the parties…..then nursery and school arrives and there’s now a new round of extra load on top of you to navigate. And you are only 3 years in. Then, you are no longer “The Fun Mum”, because even setting up play can feel like another task you have to join in on, yet there is no joy for you in it. If separated, the “Fun Dad” takes the weekend shift while you catch up on the chaos from the week or release it with a few drinks and a night out… which helps at the time but the next day the same load is still there to navigate.

Are you exhausted yet?

 I am, just even thinking about this honestly and putting this all on here.

Carrying ALL of this can lead to seeking external validation and is why we see so many accounts of Mums sharing their journey online, to gather the community they should have in real life, that we all deserved.

But is that the same? Emulated company inspired by a screen? Trauma bonding because we haven’t figured out yet we as Women have immense power and that’s why the Patriarchal systems are in place keeping us in our place even when we fight it.

But as much as it can be nice, it’s not the village we deserve, that’s in person all times of the day, when you need it most. So here is where we stay until that time comes back around.

“The Good Mum” is a Lie and the sooner we realise this is purely institutional guilt being thrown over us like a net the sooner we can let that drop like an explosive nappy, right into a bag and into the bin.

The cumulative effect of continuous caregiving, managing household responsibilities and working, often leads to chronic stress and burnout. Relationship breakdowns, divorce and loss of friendships. The lack of equitable input sees mum bear the load of domestic work at home- Yes, that’s work too, unpaid may I add.

Then let’s add to the above for some more fuckery from the systems… a Child with extra care needs. A physical difference or a neurological difference.  You have now landed in another space where the focus is kept on “the difficult kids” from the neurodiverse side and the “ needy kids” from the social care side, which keeps their narrative preventing anyone from naming the “difficult systems”, we are in at present and here comes a whole set of new ones, which takes you to a new level of absolute deep in your bones heaviness.

Not because of your child, but the thought of long journey for your child to have access to an equitable education and care when you are on a low battery already and you are not privy to these systems tactics and legalese, guidelines or what’s actually in an EHCP.

This is a space where I see you first…. The Mum’s, then your child.

Sometimes in a place of being energetically bankrupt and having to be grateful for the scraps of support or made to feel guilty for wanting more or for a tiny piece of yourself for 10 minutes.

It’s a collective exhaustion we all experience, but I am not afraid to stand up and call this out and admit there are days I am feeling simultaneously invisible and relied upon for everything, by everyone.

The Value of what I do in my caregiving, has always been overlooked, but the times I am overwhelmed, and my nervous system is looping in fight, flight or flop, it is pointed out instantly as a failure. I am then not a “Good mum”

I have this deep anger and grief residing in me as a woman and a mum and it comes out in so many ways that are not always socially acceptable. Its almost an instinctual “Fuck this” from a time past that lies deep in my being.

 I need to keep this spark alive in all that I do to remind my self that I matter and that I am doing my best swimming in a tide of systems, filled with sewage in a storm with thunder and lightning zapping my ass most days.

Being authentic in my anger and all other emotions is important to me, but most people only see the emotional responses but never seen the overwhelm and chaos inside my body, brain and nervous system. Sound familiar for your children, or you?

My own childhood trauma brought me to create when my children needed support with their nervous system and my chaos was a part of that, albeit unconscious and that coming to light for me may be coming to light for other mums, being diagnosed with Neurodiverse challenges themselves, once it is recognised in their child and that recognition and support was non- existent for them growing up.

Or realising the effects of trauma you have carried into adulthood as a parent is tough because you never understood the effects on your brain and body.

If your child has needs because of dysregulation from inside and out, you as a parent are expected to manage these, but what if you can’t all the time? What if your experiences in childhood trigger you when they arise with your child, what if being a co-regulator for your child is impossible some days?

 The chaos just gets worse instead of better, especially with no support, education or knowledge.

I won’t attend the classes, do the small talk, listen to people telling our kids to calm down, be quiet, behave, give eye contact, manage your emotions….the list if fucking endless and the autonomy our children crave in their body while their nervous system,  is being bombarded  outside and inside, over or under responsiveness, judgement, lack of support or understanding is so misunderstood, because I felt every part of that as a child and probably still hold the perspective of it strongly.

Lavenderbuddy is a Tool, just one of many things you can use for support for your child and for you to understand your nervous system too as a Mum, because you matter too…Massively.

Learning together about our brains and bodies fosters that connection with you and your child to understand it better, so they feel less shame, less judgement and empower themselves to be as authentically them as much as they can and I will continue to pass on knowledge from my perspective, when I can.

It will be on my social media and on the blog on the website and there will be a pack available soon to download and print, that is affordable, because that’s another barrier to support, finances.

I am not a “Good Mum”, I am a Woman and Mother and Good Enough, that holds a deep love for all of my children that encompasses that fucking spark that keeps me going, tenaciously even when judged. I am truly aware of where my experiences in childhood affected my own children and the change that is needed for awareness, because I had none, I just got on with it and survived daily but to what expense? It is an internal unconscious chaos we are not allowed to talk about as a glimpse into why Mothers feel or act like we do. I am here because this is a journey for all of us as mums whatever your circumstances, whatever need your child has, whatever challenges you have, we all share a nervous system that has been left in chaos by systems outside of our control for far too long

A new system is needed…. Welcome  to Lavandula HQ