Regulating Your Nervous System: A Gentle Guide for Parents

Understanding the Nervous System

It has been a buzzword for a few years—"Regulate" your nervous system, "Co-Regulate" with your child. But I call bullshit! Unless you are a monk in a quiet room for 23 hours a day, this concept can feel overwhelming.

The nervous system works in a flow state. We flow in and out of different states as we need them: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Flop. These responses depend on the signals we receive from both the outside world and our inner selves. What we experience is the behavior resulting from these states, and sometimes, releasing that behavior is necessary.

Imagine someone trying to grab your bag on the street. You have several options: scream, chase, freeze, beg for it back, or collapse in shock and can't even speak. That seems like a reasonable response, right? So why are we trying to stop these natural reactions in our children or ourselves?

The Pressure to Conform

Most of the time, these responses are seen as embarrassing. We worry that we are not parenting as well as we should, or that our child is perceived as badly behaved. In our efforts to calm down these responses, we often miss the root cause of the behavior.

Children's brains are still developing well into adulthood. It takes about 27 years for the prefrontal cortex to fully form! If a child experiences sensory overwhelm or old memories triggered by a smell or touch, "The Loop" begins.

In the brain, the amygdala and hippocampus receive an alert that says, "I do not feel safe." They mistake new experiences that resemble old ones for a threat. The nervous system clings to this message and sends it to the brain, which reacts based on past experiences, even if the current situation is different.

The Impact of Past Experiences

The brain's job is to keep us safe, but it also reacts to old, unfinished loops of feeling scared, unsafe, or overwhelmed. This reaction can manifest in a quick breath, tense muscles, or even a specific smell. Interestingly, smell is one of the oldest parts of the brain that deals with memory. It can evoke both pleasant memories, like food at grandma's, and unpleasant ones.

Here's the challenge: we cannot cognitively "think" our way out of these feelings while the brain is in survival mode. Telling someone to take a breath or calm down because they are the "adult" often doesn't work. The prefrontal cortex cannot switch back on for reasoning, calming impulsiveness, or managing emotional responses during these moments.

Imagine having 40 tabs open on your computer and losing internet connection. An offline message pops up, and nothing works. It's the same with our brains!

Finding Solutions Through the Body

So, what's the solution? The body! We need to send a message that it is safe—that "this is different"—before the nervous system reacts.

When you feel that rising tension, try hugging yourself, patting your arms and legs, or shaking your whole body if you need to. Make it funny if that suits your mood. Take a big breath in and a longer one out. Then, try to do four breaths a minute for as long as you feel necessary to get that sigh out.

Push against a wall or press your feet into the ground a little harder. This feedback system in your body can be used by both you and your child. Wall pushing is particularly effective during those big, angry, and frustrated moments.

These small, quick actions can shift us into a different state, signaling to the amygdala that there is no fire and we are switching off the alarm. Smell something soothing—keep a nasal inhaler or a bottle of essential oil handy for when you need it. Look for five things you can see and name them.

Reconnecting with the Prefrontal Cortex

These actions help bring the cognitive part of the brain back online in the prefrontal cortex. You have now silenced that alarm, and the old "loop" now has a response and ending. The more we practice this, the less likely these loops will pop up again and fill in the blanks for us.

After calming down, take concrete steps to feel less overwhelmed. Move out of the way, go for a walk, run a bath, or shout for help from another adult if one is available. Grab an ice pack or a cold metal roller ball from the fridge and run it down the side of your neck. This activates the vagus nerve, which can be incredibly soothing.

With practice over time, your body and brain become skilled at not joining in with the chaos. They learn that this situation is not the big deal it once seemed.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

We need to remember to take the load off parents who have experienced trauma and feel unsupported by family or the community. Navigating a life they were not prepared for is challenging.

If your child is neurodivergent, there may be a chance that you are too and have never been diagnosed. Your nervous system may have been taking a beating for years. Gentle parenting starts with being gentle with yourself first. They forgot to tell you about that part!

We have posts on this topic, Part 1 and Part 2, on our Instagram, along with tips for using Lavenderbuddy for the kids.

I hope you find this useful! x